Waiting for it Wednesday No. 15

This week's interview is with T, a 31-year-old woman that first had sex at age 20 and now is waiting for a loving relationship. Here is what she had to say:

DFP: You said you were not a virgin but you wish you had waited. Why?

T: I had sex because I thought that would make me feel like an adult. I also thought I would get the love I thought I was missing, since I didn't date in high school. I never felt beautiful and no one ever paid attention to me when I was younger. My self-esteem was pretty bad. Looking back, what I really wanted was not sex, but to feel beautiful and desired by a guy. I didn't know how to verbalize that. I know now that I want to experience a loving relationship before having sex with someone.

DFP: Tell us a little bit about your first time. How old were you?

T: I was 20. My first time was with a guy I knew through a former co-worker. He was the first guy who ever kissed me and ever paid attention to me in a sexual way. It was a night after not seeing him for over a year. We met at his apartment while his roommate was away. He was a few years older than me.

DFP: Was there anything good about your first time?

T: No. I don't think there was anything good about my first time.

DFP: What was bad about it?

T: It was pretty lonely. He didn't kiss me and I felt pretty ashamed of my body. Also, I wasn't experiencing any pleasure and he pretty much jumped up out of bed to take a shower. He also didn't want his roommate to know I was there. I felt pretty dirty after it happened.

The lonely feelings just exacerbated the recurring depression that I have experienced through out my life.

DFP: What type of situation/person do you wish you had waited for?

T: I wish I had waited for a situation with someone I was involved with. This was more like a one night stand, although I didn't understand that at the time. I am one of these people who cannot separate sex and love.

DFP: Tell us about your current relationship status.

T: I am perpetually single. I think that I don't trust myself enough with men to take time to actually get to know them. I am afraid that I will meet a guy who may think I'm hot and it would be downhill from there.

I am also afraid that I will meet guys who see me as a fetish (I'm black and busty) and would not want to be with the real me.

DFP: After that first time, how long did it take for you to have sex again?

T: Sexual play? a few months later. Sexual intercourse? I haven't yet.

DFP: What type of situation would you like to wait for?

I would like to know that the person I have sex with loves me and that I trust them. I have real trust issues because have expected people to betray me and most of the time, it has happened.

I have to say that I'm perpetually single because I have spent most of my life believing that I am unattractive and unworthy of love. I have just started working on getting over that, but it's taking time. I do have faith that there is someone out there for me. I won't compromise on that. I have tried it once and I hated myself for it. I felt like a fraud because I couldn't be that kind of woman who can separate sex and love. It's only been in the last few years that I have finally admitted that and accepted that part of myself. Low self-esteem is a bitch.

If anything, this whole process is part of a larger examination of issues surrounding sexuality. Just recently, I have discovered that I have spent most of my life denying myself pleasure and sexual pleasure is one aspect of this.

DFP: You have some issues with the word virgin, what are those?

T: I think the biggest issue I have with the word is more about the way people think about it. It seems to put the focus on a single sexual act instead of the whole realm of sexual activity.

I also don't like the pressure to lose or retain one's virginity. It's the same way I see weddings. It's a single day in our lives and yet it's the biggest deal. I know that the whole "virginity" thing had a role when I had sexual intercourse for the first time.

DFP: Any other relevant information you would like to add?

T: I thought of the question you asked others about what they would teach their children about sex. The one thing I would teach (my non-existent) children is to have a strong sense of self. To teach them that they are valuable and one single act would not change that. I would want them to know why they are having sex. It's not about shame, it's about recognizing if you are truly ready to engage in sexual activity.

That's the one thing I wish I knew back then.

Here is the schedule for the upcoming Waiting for it Wednesdays:

July 11: Mortality, an 18-year-old girl that felt pressured to have sex the first time.
(July 11 is also hard husband and my 3rd anniversary of being married!)

July 18: Tawny, a 23-year-old woman that first had sex at age 18.

July 25: j, a 35-year-old frustrated virgin.

August 1: phedre, a 34-year-old mother of a 12-year-old boy that has stayed celibate for long stretches of time, up to 8 years.

These people have interview questions from me:

a 19-year-old virgin planning to have sex with her current boyfriend - "eventually"

a 19-year-old woman who first had sex willingly at 16 but was raped at 13.

a 38-year-old woman that had sex at over 30 years old

a 24-year-old male that has oral sex with his long-term girlfriend but is waiting for intercourse due to her decision to wait for marriage.

a 47-year-old male non-virgin currently in a ''steady committed" relationship.

*Rather than being judgmental, this is a safe place for both virgins and non-virgins to discuss when they plan or hope to lose their virginity or when they did lose their virginity.

While I happened to wait until I was 27-years old and have only had sex with one man, my now husband, I don't necessarily believe that every person has to follow in my footsteps. Everyone has to make this decision for him or herself. However, I do advocate careful decision making and believe it is best to first have sex when in a loving relationship with someone you trust.

For more information on how to participate click here.