The Viagra dilemma

I recently received a reader question from a 47-year-old divorced male. Here is what he had to say:

When I first had sex with my girlfriend about 2 months ago (we had planned to spend the night together, so I knew it would happen), I took a Viagra pill to overcome any first night jitters. This is something I've done before, and it has helped. However, it does more than just overcome jitters, with the right woman it turns me into all-night long superman. If you know anything about this drug, it doesn't give you a hard-on, it just makes it easier to achieve one when you are sufficiently turned on, and it also seems to minimize the recovery time. The way I look at it is that it breaks down any barrier between the brain and the penis, so that when you are turned on, it shows. Well, she was absolutely thrilled by the experience, so I've continued to do the same thing when I know we will have sex, and she remains thrilled. She doesn't know that I'm using this drug. Last night over the phone she was going on and on about how "amazing" I am in bed, even though I told her to stop so as "not to jinx us." We have had sex a few times when I haven't used the drug, and it took me longer to be ready, and in one case I didn't get there at all. She didn't comment on the difference.

So, here's the dilemma. It looks like this relationship can last. In fact, we've said that we love each other. Do I tell her? Do I keep using it? Like I said, I can have sex without it, but I won't be able to do it all night long, which seems to be such a big deal for her. I'm afraid that if I tell her she'll think that it's all been artificial and that I'm not really turned on by her, which isn't true. She also may feel like I've been lying to her by not telling her before. On the other hand, how long can I go on the way I've been? What do you think? Thanks.

A Bit Too Hard

Dear A Bit Too Hard,

Well, this certainly is a sticky situation you have gotten yourself into. I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

All joking aside, I can see why you did what you did. You wanted to make sure that first time was wonderful and memorable. There’s nothing wrong with that. So what’s the problem? Lack of communication. By not telling her that you took the Viagra you set yourself up for this.

If this had simply been a one or two night stand, you would have been nothing more than a memorable moment from her past. But since you feel this relationship can last and is developing into love you must talk to her about this.

First off, I don’t know enough about Viagra to know if repeated usage could have any negative health effects. This is something you need to consult your doctor about.

Really, whether you continue to use the drug or not is not the point. The point is that you must be honest with her. Once she knows what is going on perhaps you two will decide that you do want to use it on occasion for some marathon sex. Or perhaps she will tell you she doesn’t need it at all. But to get to that point she has to know the truth.

Unfortunately, it’s not going to be the easiest conversation. She may feel hurt that you haven’t been honest. However, the sooner you come clean, the better. The longer this goes on the deeper hole you are digging for yourself.

I can’t tell you for sure how she will react because everyone is different. However, hopefully she can be adult enough to realize that this was about your desire to show her a very good time in bed and not about her. I would not even bring up your fear that she will think “it's all been artificial and that I'm not really turned on by her” unless she does. I’d be more worried about her being upset that you, in a way, “lied” to her.

If you two are falling in love than there is something about you that she likes. It can’t just be your hard and long-lasting penis. I can’t see her leaving you just because you can’t give her sex like that without a pill. And if she does, then she isn’t worth your time anyway.

I think you know, deep down, what you must do. If I were you I would sit her down and explain that you have been taking Viagra because you wanted to make sure that you were able to show her a very good time. Now, you are somewhat afraid she won’t enjoy sex with you as the real you – without any drug enhancement.

Women are nurturers. The fact that she has been “thrilled” with your penis so far and going on and on about how much she loves sex with you doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled with you when you aren’t taking Viagra. She doesn’t understand why complimenting you on your performance could be in any way negative, or jinx anything – and she won’t until you explain.

There are many things that you can do to make sure that she has a wonderful experience even if you can’t last all night. It doesn’t have to be all about your penis. Make foreplay a main event. Try sensual, non-sexual things like brushing her hair, cooking her a meal or running her a bubble bath.

Start sex out with a full body massage. Kiss her all over. Does she have multiple orgasms? Use your fingers and your tongue to make her orgasm many times before you actually enter her. Introduce a sex toy into bed. Use a vibrator on her. Ask her if she has any fantasies.

Tire her out in other ways before you get to the fucking. Or, there’s no law that says you have to stop when you are done cumming. Instead of making intercourse the grand finale, you can make her cum more after you have fucked.

If your cock isn’t quite awake when it comes time for his big moment, that’s OK. If she is patient and loving she won’t mind using her hands and/or mouth to get you ready. Relax. Make it part of playtime. Even if you don’t “get there at all” that doesn’t mean everything was all for nothing. That happens sometimes to all men at least on occasion. You are not alone! If you are able to communicate with her about it and neither one of you freaks out, this problem won’t get blown out of proportion.

So, to recap, I don’t think you are a terrible person for doing what you did. You had good intentions. However, now that things in this relationship are progressing you owe it to her to be honest. Once she knows the truth there are many ways you can make her feel loved and sexually satisfied – without the drug.

Hopefully my advice was helpful. Let us know how it goes!

If you have a question of a relationship or sexual nature, please feel free to email me at holly@thedirtyprincess.com. I am not an expert by any means, but I would be glad to do my best to answer your question. To read some of my past answers to reader questions, click here.