Lube vs foreplay

First off, I just want to thank my wonderful husband for posting for me, twice no less. He is such an amazing, supportive man. He knows I have been really wanting to keep up with my blog better and he took matters into his own hands.

Now on to my first post in a while. Here's a question I recently received by email.

By chance I have discovered your blog and like it a lot. Now my question: I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years but we have started making love only about a year ago as I am religious and it took me a while to get used to the idea. Also, I needed to know he was not after sex only :-), of course. Well, the first time it went reasonably well although it took quite long for him to get inside me as I was very tight (but he just waited until I was comfortable). We thought it would be better next time, and it was. The only problem that has remained is that he always has a problem to get inside me for the first time, even when I am wet. Do you think a lube would make things easier, I mean maybe make my entrance more flexible? ... am not sure I am describing it well :-)

I guess my answer is two fold. First off, yes, more lube is never a bad thing. Sometimes people, including me in the past, think that lube is for someone older having trouble getting wet enough but it is more than that. You can never be too wet and lube is a great addition to sex.

My second answer is a little more complicated. I suspect this isn't just about you being wet enough. All I can tell you is what I experience - it may not be the same for everyone.

When I first started having sex I didn't give my body enough time to get ready, so to speak. My mind got turned on faster than my body. What my husband and I discovered is that I need plenty of stimulation, with his fingers and/or his tongue before I am loosened up enough for him to enter me.

What my husband knew, and I did not, was that it was best if I had an orgasm or orgasms before he even entered me. That way, by the time he enters me I am very primed, so to speak, and the orgasms pour out of me. Besides, why rush things? The more time we spend, the more fun we both have.

The one qualification I will give this is that not all women are multi-orgasmic like I am. While I have yet to find my orgasmic limit – only exhaustion has stopped me – some women build up to a single, very strong orgasm before calling it a night. Neither way is better than the other, they are just different.

In the beginning it was especially important that I was patient. It took my body six months to get used to intercourse and to start having orgasms from penetration consistently and easily.

However, don't think that patience is only necessary in the beginning. Even now, after more than four years of intercourse, if my husband and I were to skip the foreplay and go straight to sex I would be very tight to begin with. In fact, if he starts too aggressively, I might even feel some discomfort or irritation.

I can't claim that the following explanation is scientific by any means, but this is the way I look at it. While my brain doesn't take long to switch to “on” my body catches on more slowly. The first sign that my body is getting ready for sex is that I begin feeling wet between my legs. Then, my vaginal opening begins to slowly relax in preparation for penetration. Then, my cervix begins to move back out of the way. If I don't give my body long enough my vaginal opening is tight and my husband's penis slams against my cervix, sometimes painfully.

So, in answer to your question, yes, more lube cannot hurt. But if you and your partner aren't spending enough time on foreplay all the lube in the world won't solve the problem.

My advice to you would be to relax, take your time and ask him to work on your pleasure before he even enters you. Also, it may just take your body time to adjust to having sex.