Waiting for it Wednesday No. 26

Rae, a 23-year-old, identifies herself as a virgin extrodinaire. She blogs about life and sex at Always on.

Unfortunately, I was a very bad blogger and never got her interview posted. I've had it for months but since it arrived right after I started my new job it got lost in the mix. If I did something like this to you, first off, I am sorry. Secondly, email me and I will do what I can to right the wrong.

Anyway, back to Rae's interview. Here are her answers.

DFP: I liked your answer, that you are a Virgin extraordinaire. Tell me more.

I use the title "Virgin Extraordinaire" sort of tongue-in-cheek, but it's fairly accurate too. I think I call myself that for a couple reasons--mainly because I'm not just a virgin, but truly a virgin of anything remotely sexual beyond second base (if I can use that classic baseball analogy for a moment). I haven't gone down on a guy, or had a guy go down on me. No hand-jobs, nothing. But, I'm also fascinated by sex in all its incarnations. I talk about it with friends (and sometimes not-quite-friends), I research things if I want to know more about them--I have an almost freaky knowledge about sex (frankly, I'm kind of pervy--in a good way). My best friends fairly regularly ask me about random information on sex, even though I don't have the practical experience that they have.

You said "it's nice to have someplace that addresses that without the idea that a) if you're still a virgin you're a freak or b) if you're still a virgin you must be one of those religious folks. I'm neither."

So, if you are not religiously motivated, what are your reasons for still being a virgin?

I think it had previously just been a lack of options. I have been "propositioned" a few times, but never in a situation where I was going to except (i.e., utter drunkenness, didn't know the guy much—or at all, the guy was dating a friend of mine—and he was frankly just lucky he didn't get injured, etc.). But I think in the last couple of years it has been that I just don't want to throw myself into it if only to "get rid" of the stigma.

What situation are you waiting for?

Fireworks, angels singing the "Hallelujah Chorus." The usual. ;-) I have previously though, "Damn, the next time I have the opportunity...!" because it can be very frustrating dealing with the stigma of "virgin." But I always have known that I won't just say, "Yes" at the first opportunity. I don't necessarily want to wait until after marriage, but I have a fairly "traditional" streak and a HUGE romantic streak. So, a really big part of me wants to wait until I at least find the guy that I really think I will marry. Maybe I read too many historical romances where the women are always virgins when they have sex with the guy they end up marrying, but really? I think it's romantic, I think it's sort of sexy to be with only one guy. I know that I need that relationship, and I definitely need some love in my life. I've waited this long I might as well wait for someone pretty damned special! :-)

You mentioned the word freak. Have you had experiences where people have acted like you were a freak because you are a virgin or is that just a general observation?

I probably get more of the "religious" than the "freak." I don't talk about it in the first person much, but when I bring up the idea of virginity I get a lot of people who consider virgins to be very naïve or pitiable, or unable to comprehend some great secret of life. It's very odd, and a bit insulting. I'm more comfortable with sex than a lot of my friends, and discussing sex in its many and varied forms. Just because I haven't actually had sex doesn't make me naive or ignorant. I think my friends' opinions have changed a little the longer I am a virgin though—I know the thoughts come from a good place, but sometimes they try and push me towards getting laid. I think they worry that I'm very lonely or unhappy about being a virgin—and while I have occasionally felt like that, I've become more complacent/comfortable in the last couple years so now I just think, "It will happen when it's right and when I want it to." I'm okay with that.

Have you told anyone that you are a virgin?

My closest friends know. I don't necessarily hide it, but because I talk very openly and frankly about sex (probably a little too openly and frankly for some people) most people would never imagine that I'm a virgin--the most recent person I told was completely shocked. She couldn't believe how sexually frank I was, partially because she is not comfortable talking about sex much. I guess talking about it so much is a bit of a way for me to hide it, but I don't consciously try to keep it from people. I've never once lied outright about it, in fact I'm sort of becoming more and more proud of the fact than anything!

You said you are single. How much dating have you done in the past?

I haven't dated much. In fact, I just began a relationship (a very long distance relationship) which we can thank the blogging world for, because that is how I met him. We haven't met, but I would definitely put him in the boyfriend category. And he's the first one I would consider as "boyfriend." I sort of stopped trying after college, which I like better—I've never been one of those women who needs to have a boyfriend, although I have had times when I've really wanted one. But, I think it's made me more independent, and I know myself better because of that. That's what I sort of like about this new relationship, it's really easing me into the whole relationship world since I haven't been exposed to it much before now

Do you have any fears or unanswered questions about your first time having sex?

Not really. Honestly, besides "Virgin Extraordinaire" I usually say I'm the most sexually active virgin I've met. I have toys, I have very regular orgasms—I'm probably more comfortable with my sexuality than some other people I know who are having sex. I just haven't had sex with a guy. I do sort of fear the following possibilities, either a) it will be so awful that I will be absolutely devastated, or b) it will be so great that I'll end up a sex addict. Those fears really only rear their heads when I'm feeling particularly melodramatic though...although I can always hope it will be more the latter! I think I'll like it just fine, because I know I'll have weeded out the guys who are not willing to pay attention to me and my pleasure.

Was your sex ed as a child sufficient and where did it come from? Parents, school?

I think my sex ed was fairly sufficient. I never had the "birds and bees" talk with my parents, although my mom gave me "What's Happening To My Body Book for Girls," which was awkward at the time, but a good reference. I went to a Catholic elementary school and we had sex-ed (separate from the boys of course) in 5th grade. That was pretty non-helpful (and while I thought I was being helpful, my teacher did not appreciate my offer that we use that book my mom gave me). We've had Internet ever since I can remember, so if I really had a question I looked it up. By the time I was sixteen I was pretty okay with my sexuality--I felt a little naughty about masturbation, but it has never been "dirty" to me. Cosmo probably helped with that, in fact. :-)

That's about it, I guess. The older I've gotten (I know, 24 is so old) the less insecure I am, so I think that makes me feel better about my virginity, when in the past it's been a serious source of insecurity. I don't repress my sexuality because I'm not having sex—and I think I'm armed with enough knowledge in my arsenal to hopefully be more comfortable than some virgins are during their first times.